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Last Update »   September 18, 2014

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Dirty Old Man Screws Women At Retirement Home

"Gramps" has been kicked out of two nursing homes for conduct unbecoming of a senior citizen. A citizen journalist from Pittsburgh (and Gramps' son-in-law) writes in with the old man's story.

My wife’s father is a naughty guy. Why? Because he’s been kicked out of two retirement homes for having sex with the women who live there. I wish I were joking, but I’m not. In fact, the situation has caused quite a strain on my marriage, and the old man needs to be stopped.

About six months ago, the problems started happening. “Gramps,” as my children call him, had lost his wife a few years earlier and was beginning to fade. He would forget to turn off the burner on the stove and leave bathwater running, that sort of stuff, so my wife and her two sisters put Gramps, 82, in a nursing home.

Gramps’ first few months passed without incident. At about the four-month mark, though, my wife received a call from the nursing home. They wanted to meet with her as soon as possible to discuss Gramps’ “adjustment” to life at the home.

The next day, my wife took the afternoon off from work to meet with an administrator at the home. When she arrived, she was escorted into the general manager’s office.

The general manager began the conversation by saying that Gramps fit in well with the other residents and was always polite with the staff. She said, however, that he had a hard time following the rules.

When my wife inquired which rules he had broken, the administrator paused.

“I’ll be honest with you, Mrs. Hayes,” she said. “Your father has been caught on three separate occasions having sex with women at the residence.”

My wife couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Just last night, we caught him in a resident’s room,” she continued. “Your father had walked in and forgotten to shut the door. When the two of them were having sex, they could be heard out in the hallway. An orderly walked in on them.”

“You said ‘women,’” my wife replied.

“Yes, your father has had sex with two other women. It was all consensual.”

“So, what do we do about this?” my wife asked.

“Unfortunately, we’re going to have to ask your father to leave.”

And that was that. A week later, my wife and her sisters moved Gramps to a another home. This one was a little more expensive. My wife spoke to him before he moved and chastised him for causing so much trouble. According to my wife, he responded by nodding his head slowly.

Not two weeks later, an administrator at the new home called my wife. They needed to meet with her.

My wife again took time off from work.

“Your father can’t stay here,” the administrator told my wife. “He's caused quite a stir in the last few days.”

“Oh?”

“He and a female resident were seen groping each other in the TV room,” the administrator said.

My wife, not wanting to move her father, sought to minimize the severity. “That doesn’t sound so bad,” she replied.

“The next day, he was caught receiving oral sex with the same woman on the couch in the library. Mrs. Hayes, we can’t have this type of behavior.”

My wife, desperate, pleaded, “Please, give him another chance. I’ll speak with him.”

The administrator flashed a pitiable smile.

“Geriatrics often regress emotionally, occasionally to an adolescent state,” she explained to my wife. “They become irresponsible, petulant, and promiscuous. This seems to be the case with your father.”

“Please, I don’t know where else to take him.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hayes, but your father has to leave. You have until Friday.”

And so, two months ago, Gramps moved in with us. He does a lot of gardening around the house, but he also watches a lot of porn. He’ll often forget to close the browser on the family computer, and my 14-year-old son will tell me things like, “Gramps has been looking at porn again. Did you know he likes black women?”

My wife has cut down her hours at work in order to be around the house, and our sex life has dried up. Gramps’ sex life, though, is still going strong. He recently wandered four houses down, into the garden of an elderly neighbor named Mrs. Colavito. When my wife went to retrieve him, she said she found the two of them sitting on her porch, drinking lemonade and talking about Jean Harlow.

Gramps has to go, but I have no idea when that will be.